I am one of those women who always spend hours and hours thinking why my fiancé is having hard time apologizing me for his mistakes. I tried asking my fiancé many times about his hesitation to apology. I also shared with him that I do not feel angry because just because he made a mistake. I get angry, or rather hurt, when he does not even realize that he made a mistake. To top it off, instead of trying to fix the matter by just saying I apologize for whatever happened other night at dinner, he tells me, “Why do you want me to run after you and apologize. You know how much I hate to say sorry. Let’s end it here and just move on”. Move on? To where and how? It hurts me even more when he once compared me with everyone else out there. I told him that by saying that he made me feel unimportant and the fact that he is not sorry could make our relationship weak. I was waiting for his answer but he turned around and said he didn’t want to argue with me and made the matters worst.
Why our men are so difficult about accepting their mistake and willing to apologize? Sorry: a word that carries so much weight that most of us often contemplate, for hours, whether its use is warranted. Yet speaking it contains enough power to potentially save your job, restore a relationship and, at times, unite countries that were once at war.
Still, it's never easy to say sorry. Alas, most men fail to use this simple five-letter word often enough. May be it is their pride that gets in the way. "Sorry" means admitting we were wrong. And men don't like to be wrong. So it's easier to simply avoid saying it. Like Henny Youngman a British born American comedian and famous violinist said, "If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late." A Georgetown University Linguistics professor Deborah Tannen, PhD, author of "I Only Say This Because I love You", further elaborates on this issue in the quote below.
“men often worry about out being seen as weak, so they don't like admitting fault. They see apologizing as a form of public humiliation and a move that makes them more vulnerable to criticism. Plus, they just don't see the point. "For many men, words don't count as much as actions, which is why if they’ve done something wrong, they'd rather show their remorse by not doing it again.”
For those men [including my fiancé] who really have trouble getting it across their lips, I have discovered a web site devoted to the cause, called The Perfect Apology http://www.perfectapology.com/. I really liked their bottom-line for all the women experiencing this issue with their spouse: “don't hold your breath for the "S" word. Make him aware that he has upset you, and then keep your eyes peeled for signs of penance”.
Sickler, Van and Shannon Colavecchio. Why can't guys just say they're sorry?. 11 Nov
2008
9 comments:
This post reminds me of Fed's post, in which he breaks down superstitious actions of men and women. We tend to categorize "men" as one way and "women" as another. I wonder: is is impossible for *all* men to apologize, or just most men? Qualifying your statement will really lend you credence with your reading audience. But there is something to be said about cultural behaviors between the sexes...
I love here that you quoted Deborah Tannen: her research is very impressive. I wonder, who is Henry Youngman? Am I supposed to know that name? Finally, the spacing in the last few paragraphs is much tighter than the beginning few. It's hard to tell paragraph breaks, so give us extra white space between those last ones. And I can show you how to bury your URLs in words so that they don't warp the wrapping of a paragraph...
Well, I would'nt say all men. When my boyfriend does somthing wrong he apologizes right away and doesn't stop. He says he will change and make sure he doesn't do it again.
I have to say I am the hard headed one. I'm the one that doesn't apologize about anything eventhough it is my fault. Well...atleast I know I have problem. I make it up by doing whatever he wants to do for the day. So I guess it even's out...hopefully.
Anyways, great topic! It's nice reading about you and your relationship.
I have to agree with the other two comments and say that it seems to be an over-generalization when you say that most men have problems apologizing. I think it's more likely that there's miscommunication going on or a disparity in the perspective of the situation. However, having said that, there sure are some stubborn people out there. I'd be interested in reading a post that delves into the psyche of the spouses and their respective views. Also, on the flip-side, why is it that a spouse needs so much reassurance; and when is enough, enough?
p.s. If you were to do a post on what love is, I'd be very interested in reading it.
I don't understand what the big deal with apologizing is. My boyfriend rarely does it. He says that actions speak louder than words, but to me that means, after your action upsets someone, you should apologize for it. He thinks that by doing something in the future, it will make up for what he did in the present so he doesn't need to say sorry. That logic does not work for me. It makes me feel like I'm not important for him. I don't know if that's just me or what, but it kills me. Oh, yea, and everytime we get into a fight, he ignores me for a day or two... And that REALLY helps our relationship. ha.
I'm so glad that I found this blog. I just had a fight with my boyfriend over the silliest thing but we definitely both were involved in the argument. I listened to his side of the story and acknowledged that he had a point and then I apologized for not being as understanding. Then I waited for him to apologize but he didn't. The whole fight didn't really bother me that much but the fact that he could not see my side and apologize is what made me fell horrible. I asked him if there is anything that he could agree with me on or offer an apologize then he said that he couldn't apologize for something that he wasn't sorry about and that Winston Churchill probably never felt like apologizing to the Nazis! This was awful even though he tried to backpedal and say that he wasn't comparing me to the Nazis. All he had to do was say those two words, "I'm sorry" and I would have forgiven everything. Now I'm not sure if the lack of apologies is a personality flaw or just part of being a man or this situation but it makes being in a relationship very difficult because everyone has fights. At first I thought this was the red flag telling me to end the relationship but I couldn't because I love him so much even though he made me cry and he never says he's sorry. After reading the blog I feel a little comforted knowing that I'm not alone. If not apologizing is a common trait in men then I guess breaking up and finding some one else really won't solve that problem. I know that I cannot change him and to ask him to start apologizing is an unreasonable expectation because that's not him... I just have to figure out if this is something I can live with and if so how.
Well if we are to state that men can't apologise then where does that leave our society? With only women and children apologising?
I came to this blog after a horrible experience with my BF. He said these terrible things to me even though he was dead wrong in his prior actions. All of it made me feel really helpless since I had moved cross country to a rural area with only his car to use. I was stuck and it was no comfort that I was supposed to forget what he said. He changed his actions without an apology. I didn't know what was happening. I was reeling from the pain in my heart and he is so uncommunicative, I feel like he is retarded.
We have languages in our world and I am sure all of them has some expression for apology, because it is needed and if it wasn't, it would be forgotten. I do know this:if he apologises he is acknowledging a wrong done and is worried that I would never let him live it down. Just like he does to me. He knows himself and judges me by what he would do. That is the reason men don't apologise. They are expressing power. They do not want to share power in the home.They forget they are with a woman and not a man. We all know it would be a better world if people would apologise more. But that eutopia would never exist. A better world starts at home. So I will have to be a better person and he will do stuff because of guilt-if he even owns a conscience! So because he is retarded and can't function with language then I will accept that I am superior minded. Except for the men who are not afraid of using words. Those are the real Men. The pen is mightier than the sword.
stop worrying about stupid crap so much and being stereotypical. actions speak louder than words dummy.
The last comment was obviously written by a man that can't apologize. Go back to your cave dummy.
Words hurt. Women need to feel closure when a fight or disagreement is over. We need to hear I'm sorry to move on. Men just forget everything and move on becuase they don't see words as hurtful. If you actions and words don't match... something is wrong!
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